taking it personally – Page 28

January 30, 2005

Alexander Shulgin in NYTimes

I’ve been pointed to a pretty good article about Alexander (Sasha) Shulgin in the New York Times. It’s surprisingly sympathetic, given that Shulgin is directly responsible for most of the psychedelics that have fascinated so many curious souls lately.

Gratifying to me personally is the way that the D.E.A. is painted in the article: as people tasked with an impossible, misdirected war-on-drugs effort who have gradually bought it wholesale. People who raid homes and labs and clinics, at times doing good work but mostly employing scare tactics, propagating misinformation and hindering research. People who will destroy your property and arrest you if you give plant parts to terminally ill patients. People who help the federal government in its attempt to bully states that disagree with its stance on what’s dangerous and what isn’t.

But back to Shulgin. His contribution to the modern exploration of our own minds has been astounding. He is almost 80 years old now, and it’s unlikely that I will ever meet him; a pity, because like hundreds of thousands of people he’s affected I am deeply grateful for his insatiable curiosity and his celebration of humanity.

A few years back I borrowed PIHKAL from a friend, and it changed my life. Having never formally studied chemistry of any kind (stupid of me, but physics was more interesting and the school only required one), I began to gather an appreciation for the delicate chemical balance within which our perception of reality floats. To think that a few micrograms of a substance can make everything seem different!

Because of how little it evidently takes to alter one’s perception of reality, I became convinced (and still am) that reality has many faces, and that they’re worth exploring. Researchers claim that many of the chemicals people play with are modified versions of what’s already present in our brain; so it’s no surprise that meditation, breathing in patterns and persistent curious searching have revealed more to me about me and my world than my government’s educational curriculum can hope to.

It’s not all roses. Some substances are addictive; hell, I’ve had sleep and mental-acuity problems related to caffeine addiction, and that’s a forgiving drug. Others aren’t so forgiving. Research is needed, help is needed for people whose lives have been ruined… I always ask myself: what could possibly go wrong if we dedicated half of D.E.A.’s budget to humane rehab and to research? Instead of paying men and women with guns to go rid San Francisco of the “menace” of pot [which has been used for millennia, and look, we’re still here!], why can’t we pay researchers to find out what’s really going on?

Well, it’ll happen. We’ve already won a struggle with nicotine-distributing companies, so that at least they no longer actively make cigarette smoking look cool to teenagers. We’ve got a ways to go with alcohol, at least in this country, where making it taboo only contributes to the frat-party culture in which young people die from alcohol poisoning on a dare. There’s a longer journey for other drugs; I just hope I live to see a society where exploration of our chemical surroundings is done curiously, knowledgeably and responsibly. In other words, where humans are educated and then given some credit.

Isn’t it sad, how much we can’t blog? Freedom of speech, indeed.

January 24, 2005

White, green and bike

I like to ride my bicycle, I like to ride my bike…

Today I didn’t ride, but I’ve an excuse. Yesterday I did ride, seven miles instead of the five I’d been doing, and although the total is on the low side, it still feels good. Then, later last night, I went out to take a walk and ended up shoveling out a path from our porch to the road as well as the entire space around and on the car. It felt good! Aside from the fact that the people in whose driveway we parked (long story) were complete asses. But the actual physical work felt really good, and let me tell you, it doesn’t get much better than Peter Mulvey and Morphine on the iPod while shoveling metric %#@!tons of light fluffy snow.

Today, we shoveled again! The snow was much heavier by the time we got to it, and it was a different driveway, the one where we’ll be parking from now on (see above). But we also got to be genial with the neighbors, and although there was no iPod, there were two of us and thus bits of winded conversation were possible.

My back hurts like nobody’s business, and I don’t feel guilty at all for not biking. Will do it tomorrow. Oooh, I’m liking the physical activity gig. Really, really hope it lasts.

Here’s a gift from the green god on a white and sky-blue winter’s day:

Take come crushed coriander seeds, some garam masala and some black mustard seeds. No precise measurements, I went with about a tablespoon of each of the first two and 1.5 tbsp of the mustard seeds at first. Oh, and a dash of good chili powder. Heat up some fat-of-choice (olive oil and a bit of butter, here) and fry the spices until they smell amazing, and the mustard seeds are popping.

Add a large plastic package of frozen spinach, not the square-package kind but the kind that’s already broken up into clumps; dump in a bit of water; stir well; cover. Steam-fry, stirring occasionally, until the spinach looks unfrozen. Take off the cover and adjust seasonings (at this point I put in salt, garlic powder and more garam masala): you want the spinach to taste just a little bit overspiced. Fry some more at higher heat until it’s no longer watery. Let cool.

Open up a package of silken tofu and drain it as much as you can. Dump the cooled spinach and the tofu into the food processor and whirr until it’s all uniformly colored. Taste, adjust seasonings, refrigerate until tomorrow when you can dip carrots and anything else your heart desires into it.

Good night!

January 23, 2005

Snowy photos

Roundly chided for my laziness in learning how to upload pix from the camera we do have, I went and did it. Some blizzard photos are here.

January 23, 2005

unbearable whiteness and caloric intake

Snow! Oh my, the snow. I would like a small, lightweight digital camera that makes it trivial to transfer images from its card to my laptop, so that I might share the vistas with you. (This is a wish E. and I have had for a while, but other expenditures have taken priority. It’ll happen, though.) Meanwhile, our street looks something like this. (Image of Providence courtesy wunderground.com.) Not terrible, but considering this is how much snow we’ve gotten in the past twenty hours, pretty impressive. They don’t seem to be plowing the residential streets much: there’s no point until later today, when the snow and the wind stops. The wind is sending whirling clouds of minute dancing snowflakes flying all around, such that it’s hard to tell whether any new snow is coming down at all. Total accumulation, as per Wunderground, is 18 to 28 inches in Providence. Damn, do I ever wish I had cross-country skis!

Went clothes-shopping yesterday. We don’t do this often, and it was all kinds of fun – even though we did go all the way to Boston despite the blizzard warning. We managed to get back home before the worst of it hit, mission accomplished and even some food shopping done. The Garment District is an impossibly good second-hand store; next time either of us is jonesing for a change of wardrobe we know exactly where to go.

In other news, I have successfully bicycled several times already, thanks to the bike trainer we took off Molly’s hands. It makes me feel so good. I’ve finally found a gym-like contraption that I enjoy using, and can use without regard for the weather outside. I’ve long been complaining about feeling weak and blah, and have been gaining weight I shouldn’t be gaining – nothing tragic, just enough to make me feel sluggish and want to hibernate. Since today’s pace of life hardly permits one to hole up for the winter and suck on a paw, I’ve decided to set a specific weight-loss and exercise-gain goal for the next two months. Really, the wedding is just an excuse, a convenient chronological target in that it isn’t negotiable.

To this end, as of this morning I’m monitoring caloric intake, and also limiting it a bit. I’ve never done this systematically, and am curious as to what will happen. Hopefully in a week or two I’ll have enough data to be able to predict about how many calories I’ll need in a given day depending on the projected activities for that day. There’s some possibility that I won’t stick with it, but since I am loving this stationary-bicycling-and-iPod-listening thing, and also have a love who can nudge me when needed without making me feel bad about myself, optimism runs high. Plus, it’s two months. I’ve been wanting to change my health habits for a while now. If I stick with it for this long, perhaps maintaining in the longer term will be easier!

Doing things that make my body feel active and alive makes such a huge difference in how I feel on all levels. It’s time to live in the moment, I think.

Edit: Uni is closed tomorrow! W00t, I feel like… like… like I’m nine years old! SNOW DAY!

(Okay, I still get to work. But it’s at home, in PJs, with tea and hot chocolate and biking breaks.)

January 18, 2005

Surface, breathe, sync

My cousin from Australia is visiting the Boston area and staying with us. She’s a fun chyk, just graduated from Melbourne U’s law school (!), will be starting a job in March, and in the meantime is seeing the world. It’s good to meet her.

Last night I didn’t sleep much. When I did sleep, the dreams were mostly nightmares about: (a) wedding planning and food not quite going as planned; (b) stories of the Japanese ambassador and the entire associated wedding party being poisoned; and (c) the church grounds suddenly being as large as a large high school, and myself being lost and pursued.

Hm, time to chill out. Unfortunately, it’s also time to do wedding planning more quickly.

In two days, I participate in the Teaching in the Digital Age Faculty Showcase. Should be awesome.

The first draft of my very first semi-annual interim report to the NEH is complete. Seeing as it’s not due until the 31st, I’m rather proud of myself. Of course, we’ll see what my boss says; but it’s always much easier for me to revise than to write from scratch.

I feel numb.

January 5, 2005

Meme! Because I can.

This is no LiveJournal, so I’ve no clue how many requests I’ll get from this, but why not. Courtesy of my friend Molly, who rocks my socks. (No, really. She and socks have a special relationship. She’s got the coolest socks of anyone I know, and wears them with the most unabashed grin. You should see it!)

Comment on this entry, and I’ll tell you:

1. What color you make me think of

2. The first word that comes into my head in association with you (sequitur not guaranteed)

3. A food that I like!

4. [edited] Two fun facts about a country I select, which may or may not have any bearing on you at all.

I really should install the threaded comments plugin. For the moment, you’ll have to check back or subscribe to the comments feed.

December 23, 2004

Merry Christmas, one and all!

Angry Squirrel rocks my socks.

Why do we hate Santa, he asks? Because he’s “fat and happy and perfectly content with his image??”

“That’s why I LIKE Santa!

“Because he’s a fat bastard

“who works one day a year

“is actually happy

“and eats all the cookies he wants!”

Rock on. Here’s to happy fattitude.

(I dislike and don’t celebrate the Day of Consumerism. Any gifts I give tend to be for New Year’s. But this is just too good.)

December 22, 2004

Memememememe

Cribbed from, like, everywhere. My web browsing habits, presented in alphabetical order for your delectation, some rather obvious, some perhaps not. Of course, this is the most recent browsing history, and is thus tainted by things like gift shopping and travel planning. Still more or less representative.

a: amazon

b: brown university

c: coastway (my credit union)

d: dartmouth dante project (which I in no way recommend! it’s broken in so. many. ways.)

e: the vaults of erowid

f: free dictionary dot com

g: an all-too-appropriate .gif!

h: paradiso del perverse (R-rated; hilarious)

i: ifMUD

j: jews against circumcision, a truly odd one

k: kat kunz’ personal site

l: my livejournal friends page

m: merriam-webster online

n: netflix

o: oxygen xml editor

p: nifty pic of transparent concrete (2, 3)

q: nada

r: rand mcnally

s: switchboard dot com

t: telecharge, for all your nyc ticketing needs

u: uncommon goods

v: w3c xhtml validator

w: unsurprisingly, words’ end

x: xchat site (it’s an irc client for mac os x)

y: yarnivore’s blog post on anatomically correct knitting

z: zipcode.com

And you?

December 21, 2004

And some days…

you just want to put your head through the wall.

Good god, I have the thinnest skin of any human I know.

I have been interacting with some people about some work they wanted done. They thought I was their guy, I thought I was their guy, then we all separately started having our doubts, and in the end it didn’t pan out.

But it didn’t pan out in the worst way possible. In the way that makes me doubt that I’ll ever improve my diplomatic skills. In the way that makes me doubt whether I’m good enough at interpersonal politics to make it in academe. In the way that makes me angry because they contacted me and then failed to read the detailed explanation I was sending them at their own request. And, immediately after feeling angry, I feel stupid and inadequate and childish, and it’s all irrelevant anyway because although I won’t be doing this project (a good thing, if the past two weeks are any indication), I’m left with all this frustration at myself and others.

But mostly at myself.

It’s not all that bad, of course. If I am to believe my coworkers and immediate boss (and I have no reason to disbelieve them), my main job is going quite well. But, see, there nobody questions my competency, implicitly or explicitly. Nobody interrupts me every second sentence. Nobody ignores lengthy emails and asks me the questions answered in those emails. And, for the most part, I seem to be getting along with my team – and with my boss – just fine.

Of course, they all have known me for years. Surely that helps. But, damnit, I have a thin skin because I care about my coworkers and my work and the humanities and humanity. Diplomatic skills be damned; although I like to think that I am improving those. What you get is unadulterated me, throwing all my knowledge and energy and passion at most things I touch.

Now, just to figure out a way to harness this passion and not be hurt by responses to it. Simple.

YAWP.

December 20, 2004

Vigil for the Magdalenes

still from the movie “I didn’t see anything godly about that church. I didn’t see anything Christ-ly. All I saw was a bunch of bullies.”

Just finished watching The Magdalene Sisters and the documentary found on the same DVD, called “Sex in a Cold Climate.” Not an uplifting way to spend an evening, I’ll tell you what. It’s about the Magdalene asylums, institutions found up until 1996 all over Ireland, where women were sent for having children out of wedlock, for having been raped or otherwise sexually assaulted and so dishonored…

…or just for being pretty.

That way, they wouldn’t go astray.

A CBS News article from 2003 is chilling: the atrocities of those places were not discovered until 1998, and not reported until 1999. Up until five years ago, Ireland didn’t know that up to thirty thousand of its women were imprisoned and forced into slave labor in the Magdalene laundries. They were beaten into submission, scarred by being announced sinners who had lost heaven, forced to work “six days a week, fifty-two weeks a year” (documentary) for no pay. Many had lost their children to foster homes, adoptions, orphanages.

Some of the Magdalenes were sexually abused by the priests who came to take confession and give Sunday masses. Some women escaped, some went mad, some lived out their lives in the laundries from the time they were girls barely into puberty until the day they died. What kind of church, what kind of religion breeds such cruelty?

The same religion that institutionalized the abandonment of children born out of wedlock, babies dying by the thousands of neglect, lack of nutrition and syphilis – but at least they’d be baptized. At least, they’d go to heaven.

People genuinely believed this, and operated anonymous infant drop-offs until only a century ago.

Until less than a decade ago, women were imprisoned and enslaved by the thousands in Europe.

Don’t forget for a second. We are not out of the dark ages yet. Read this article, read it carefully, and then do me a favor and make an offering to the goddess of fertility.

Love and lovemaking are the reasons we are. A curse on those who profane that.