If that makes sense…but, no, I apologize if I made “beating it” sound like a goal. I proffered the idea merely in an attempt to be positive and speak of hope. That’s all.

I also had no intention of implying that you were not self-aware, and clearly you already *have* sought treatment because you are on maintenance meds. :)

In terms of the half-life of therapy, note that I’ve said I’m still *in* therapy. Lord knows how long it would ever take me to entirely unpack everything I have to unpack. Being a loquacious and gregarious sort of fellow talk therapy works well for me because I blabber on anyway, it may as well be about topics of substance in a safe environment in which the person listening has a genuine interest in helping me deal with whatever we’re talking about. It also means that my wife doesn’t have to listen to it as she’s not always equipped to do so. LOL!

Talk therapy may not work for you, or not right now. It’s not a catch-all solution. I try not to proselytize on behalf of therapy but I do think that most everyone could use some, and do think it’s an integral part of successful, long-term treatment for depression.

I only have anecdotal evidence for that. My aunt is on maintenance meds but doesn’t do therapy so the best she seems to get is just not suffering the paralysis that comes with depression…but because she’s not dealing with the roots of her depression like my mother did, I think she’s reached the end of where she’s going to go with treatment.

Again, that’s not to say that you are in the same boat…and my “evidence,” again, is only anecdotal. I’d look up actual, clinical studies but that would seem too much like pressing this point upon you and the worst thing anyone can do is try to “talk someone into” therapy.

That was tried upon me in my teenage years, and being a stubborn ass like yourself (sometimes) my reaction was to avoid even thinking about therapy for another eight years. Therapy ONLY works if the patient wants it, is open to it. I’m well aware of that.

Hence why I would never seek to push anyone into it, much less yourself. ;)

Ostensibly you can look up the email address I entered into the appropriate field. If you want to know who I am, email me. I’m not one to divulge my identity online as anonymity and privacy are very important to me, but I know you know who I am. Send me an email to confirm it, if you like. That’s the best I can do. *grin*

You’re dangerously close to implying that I’m not self-aware enough to seek help, and that in addition, if I “decide” that I don’t want to deal with it anymore, I can beat it entirely. The problem with this conversation is that I only get one chance to state how I feel about what kinds of help I need and what’s effective. I did that above; anything beyond that tends to be seen as protesting too much. But, since you claim to know me, you probably also know that that won’t stop me from responding.

“I think those of us with mental illnesses need guides to lead us out of them.” Fair enough. I’ve had guides. I don’t know all of my subconscious, but do know a whole lot about what’s causing my depression. The causes fall into the general categories of chemical (which is what’s managed by the drugs), environmental (in terms of the physical environment — a combination of ambient temperature and light levels) and psychosocial (blood family history, divorce, other issues). That’s plenty to deal with, and I’m ok with the tools currently at my disposal and the resources — internal and external — I have available.

You’re welcome to use medication in conjunction with talk therapy. I’ve done both, and each is effective in its own way. The half-life of the effectiveness of drugs, *for me*, is longer than that of the effectiveness of talk therapy.

All of the above comes with with a hefty caveat: I’ve actually been considering going back to talk to someone about the crushing unpredictability of SAD. But not for the reasons you describe, and I certainly don’t believe that I can “beat this thing” by deciding to beat it. It’s a process. I’m moving along that path. Having “beating it” as a goal would be damaging to my process.

She told me that meds are meant to be used in conjunction with therapy, that the purpose of meds is to stabilize someone such that therapy can work. Note that this is decidedly NOT an admonition for you to run off to talk therapy because it is what you are “supposed” to do, but in the end I firmly believe that depression has much to do with the “residue” of our pasts. My therapist used that word recently and you know how it is when someone speaks truth and you just recognize it?

If I hadn’t dealt with the residue from which the depression can spring, and off of which it feeds given the chance, I never would have arrived at this state of affairs. I don’t think anyone can really ever find and dig into that residue on our own. I don’t think we can adequately plump the depths of our own subconscious…which would be what makes it a “subconscious.”

Not my most brilliant observation, there. ;) The point is, I think those of us with mental illnesses need guides to lead us out of them.

As someone who dealt with depression for years I know precisely what you mean about it being a daily battle…but I do think it is a battle that can be won. I wouldn’t say I’ve entirely won it…if I ever got off my own maintenance scripts and ducked out of therapy perhaps it would come back. Don’t know, not willing to experiment to find out, but nowadays I have more mental will than ever before…and because I’ve been in treatment I’ve been able to stabilize and build a support structure around me such that if and when I DO start feeling depressed I can fight back and squash it before it takes hold. It’s not easy, but I can do it now.

I once was a man who turned quite evil on someone after three months. Mental illness is explanation, not excuse, but that experience was one of many which finally led me to haul my ass into treatment in 1999.

A decade later…I’d say that I’ve won my battle against depression because I faced it head on and said “I’m fucking tired of feeling like this.” It wasn’t easy, talk therapy can really suck sometimes and it took me a while to find the right therapist for me (after four years of four-days-a-week psychoanalysis which was valuable in that it got me off the drugs and made me realize the genesis of most of my neurosis/narcissism), but I can’t imagine life without it anymore.

Someday, I do think I’ll reach that point where I no longer require weekly therapy, though whatever biochemical component of my illness will always require meds (but hopefully better and better ones, like switching from Depakote which made me feel really down to Lamictal which doesn’t have those awful side effects).

I can honestly say, however, that depression no longer rules me. *I* decide to what degree it ever takes a hold of me. I recently had my cat die after 12 years of living together. She chose me before her eyes were even open and she led me through the worst of my depression…and when she died, the fact that I didn’t entirely fall to pieces let me know just how far I’d come, and just how much we can beat this thing.

I think I know you well enough to know that this is within your grasp as well, if you want it. It’s just going to take a lot of work, and patience. But you can get there. I think anyone with the will to do so and the access to proper treatment can.

In the end, it may come down to deciding, like I did, that you don’t want to deal with it anymore. Just getting sick of it. For me, I got sick of suicidal ideation and just got angry, and nothing motivates me more than getting angry.

I think we share that in common. ;)

Right there with you on the insidiousness of psychological maladies. Part of the reason I wrote this post is my firm belief in that, and a desire to mitigate the stigma by putting information out there.

Unfortunately, no matter how much treatment one gets, the battle with depression can be a daily and exhausting one. Regardless of whether it’s daily, it’s a lot of work.

Oh, also: I’m not certain how much I agree with your closing statement. Depression is not something I see being able to eliminate from my life altogether. Mitigate and manage, yes. Eliminate… after many years of living with it, I’m not so sure.

Thanks to a decade of treatment I am now married, live in a nice home that we own, and while I don’t care for my career at least I have one that makes me a decent living.

None of this would have been possible had I not gotten myself into treatment. Psychological issues are no less serious than physical maladies, in fact they can be so much more insidious.

I sincerely hope that you are either getting treatment, or someday are prepared to do so, because I know you are an intelligent and open-minded woman who therapy could be successful for if you find the right person and open up to them. :)

Depression is not something you have to live with if you don’t want to.

Thank you for sharing all this. I hope sharing it is good and helps.

Now, about that just-two-people time: let’s. Please.

XO