Words’ End

I took a weekend of silence this weekend. Took? am taking? It doesn’t matter much: I’m succeeding at not talking, but fail at not communicating. There are three reasons for the fail. One, the nasty cold I’ve been fighting off all week has taken over my body and turned it into SINUSES with some irrelevant stuff attached. Two, I’m [re-]learning that it physically hurts to be cut off from my loved ones and from the world when the means of communication—computer, internet connection—are right here. And three, I need to finally write up last week.

A week ago last Friday, at 7:30 in the morning, Ethan and I headed to the county court on Cambridge Street. The papers we’d filled out were checked for completeness, we paid the appropriate fee, were directed to Judge Kaplan’s courtroom in another building. Once there we self-addressed a couple of envelopes each, waited a little, and were called up to the bench. We did the I-swear-to-nothing-but-the-truth-so-help-me-Zeus bit. We answered some pro forma questions about our respective free will and states of informedness about the other’s financial statement. Judge Kaplan informed us that she is approving our joint petition for divorce. We’ll each get written confirmation within thirty days. The divorce will become final four months from the day of our appearance before her. We were out of there by 10:30 or so.

And, like that, it’s over.

It was a good marriage, and then it wasn’t good, or a marriage. To end it wasn’t my idea, but I wouldn’t go back. The last year and a half has been the most difficult time I’ve ever known. In some respects it’s not over yet: we have debts to service together and taxes for last year yet to file and the car to re-register in Ethan’s name. In more emotionally important respects, it’s been over for more than a year, since before he moved out in December of 2007.

Still processing the six heady years since meeting him. Their impact on me, on my psyche, on the shape of my life hasn’t even entirely revealed itself, I’m sure. But many things did change, mostly for the better, and I’m thankful for having found my feet again.

As you may imagine, my feelings about Ethan are myriad and complex. A fair warning, though (not that I feel this forum needs it, but just in case): if I get any comments on that are cruel to him, passing as some kind of support to me, I’ll delete them.

The rest of that Friday was filled with mad errands, which would’ve been madder if court had taken the half a day I’d thought it was going to take. Got together for lunch with Molly, who is a treasure and that’s all you really need to know. Went gift shopping for a three-year-old’s birthday. Went food shopping for my birthday party, which was the next day, and got too much food as usual. Saw a Pagan-chant video embedded in this post, and found it grounding, all that returning.

But that’s not all, no. That Friday also had a housemate, who without even thinking about it got off his comfy bed to help me lug four 30lb bins of cat litter upstairs. My cats stayed close to me when they could and purred up an appreciative storm. I got to savor cooking for the birthday party until the wee hours, just me and the stove and instruments of nourishment. I understood, again, that difficult doesn’t always mean bad. Later I got to talk with a mentor and a friend who lives halfway across the country, who talked to me about grace and beauty. That whole day symbolically encompasses most of my life right now.

So what now? Now I keep working at the workplace and in a field where I belong, impostor syndrome be damned. Now I keep loving the people I love, kids and grown-ups. Now I plan and dream the rest of my life, and get on with it. I’m moving to a different hippie-geek-scholar household in May, and though I’ll miss this one, moving is the first major step to making my dreams take form. These dreams were here before Ethan, and they’re still here, and I have re-learned how to live every day.

So now you’ll have more context for later posts, should I get around to writing here more. (Oddly, Twitter has been a better medium for me, what with the 140-character constraint. Often there just isn’t time for any more than that.)