Emotional masochism.
I was in a relationship some years ago, which ended very, very badly. About half (no more, no less) of the blame for this lies with me.
Every once in a while I’ll go back and read what everyone involved, and not involved, wrote about the break-up. I have no idea why I do it. It’s painful and demoralizing, from two different sides. On one hand, I am still ashamed at how I’d behaved then. On the other, I reel with disbelief at how others behaved – the others who knew me but only heard the other side of the story, and the ones who didn’t know me at all. It’s one thing to support your friend, but I wonder if it ever occurred to any of them that I might be reading their comments, and if it did, whether they gave a damn about the human being who was their target.
Most of this has been resolved for a long time now, both explicitly and implicitly. Even the people I am angriest at, those who didn’t (still don’t) know me, are past. They were knee-jerking, protective of their friend, and also ganging up like children do in the playground. So why do I go back and read things that were written in anger, often by people who’d never met me? Why does this matter?
Most of the time it doesn’t. But I go back to re-read it every once in a while, knowing that it’s neither particularly productive nor good for me. This bothers me.
December 17th, 2006 at 10:50 pm
Oh, gosh. Would this be the one I’m thinking of (that involves me)? I can actually flock or delete those entries, if’n you like.
December 18th, 2006 at 12:54 am
Yes, and there’s no need to block or delete them. I am more bothered by my insistence on going back there than by the existence of the posts/comments themselves.
December 18th, 2006 at 1:34 am
V.,
It is productive *and* good for you! You mentioned how you reacted to your behavior. I am not so sure many people do that. If people did, I think that there would be a lot fewer jerks out there. Way to be meta ;-)
xoxo, J-A-G-G
December 18th, 2006 at 7:48 pm
I am not sure whether it’s such a bad thing, really. You say how you are able to look at the situation and acknowledge your role honestly. I wonder if that’s because you’ve gone back and read these, so you’ve seen how you’ve changed since then.
In many ways, I wonder if you are going back and reading this as a way of reminding yourself that you are no longer that person, and those people didn’t know who you are, and don’t know who you are, and dammit, you are a good person! A way of self-affirming the person you are *now* – if that makes any sense.
If you are a masochist, I guess I am, too, since I also tend to go back and revisit stuff written from painful moments.
December 19th, 2006 at 4:53 pm
it’s like picking a scab. i do it too.
January 27th, 2007 at 3:16 pm
First I wondered, how could she do that.
Later, I learn to wonder, how could I do that.
Now, I wonder, what exactly was it I did, and what did I think I was doing. And why.
If you are ashamed, now, of yourself then, you are probably trying to explain yourself, and to avoid repeating your mistakes. To reconsider significant events is not masochistic, it is reasonable and healthy.