Words’ End

Work on the thesis is being done in spurts. Partly of necessity: I’ve managed to schedule myself for five out-of-town events, in four trips, all within the same two months. Plus there’s a possibility of getting to spend time with the Nephew, who is turning into an excellent if willful little person, and while I like having him over, I’ve discovered that zero work gets done when he’s around. I suspect it’d be different if we lived closer together, but so it goes.

Anyway, my mental pattern with regard to thesis work has been repeating – rather predictably so; this pattern has existed since long before Roland. It goes something like this:

Before the work period starts: attitude cavalier, anxiety far at bay. Usually, during this time things are happening that make me feel good – conferences, family time, just-breaks with good books.

First day of work period: attitude of “ok, here I am buckling down.” Permitting myself to spend this one day Organizing, which never takes just a day, so the day almost inevitably ends in a vague state of many things accomplished but not enough, damnit.

Second day: overwhelmed and in denial. Repeat mantras of the “I’m smart enough and diligent enough to do this in time – but it won’t happen if I keep succumbing to the anxiety and denial, for they evilly drain energy, confidence and time” sort. Keep having to remind myself that I love this stuff (and I do, it’s the time pressure that’s a bitch to deal with).

From this second day on, if I manage to get myself to start working sometime before 10, life is good. If I don’t, I lose days to self-loathing, or thought patterns less dramatic but just as draining.

The hardest thing is not knowing how long this thesis will take, or how much work it will be. I’ve set myself a hard limit – graduate next spring – but what if I don’t get the work done? If I could see the steps clearly, it would be easier to work. As it stands, it’s hard to even know which large swathes of work will turn out to be useless for the current purposes. There’s no way I can do justice to the Roland corpus in the course of this dissertation; defining its limits in a field of material that I don’t know that well (there’s SO MUCH of it!) seems like a futile exercise.

Outlines don’t help, either. They take so much time to make, and then I have to change them a million times over. My working outline helps me organize whatever it is I want to do next, I guess. But since it isn’t representative of the final thesis structure (as I discovered rewriting chapter the first), it’s not an indicator of how far along I am.

These are some of the things that make thesis writing hard – I’ve read and heard this from many sources. The resultant anxiety is a pest, and I resent it for that. Go. Shoo!